I recently discovered my love of lingerie. I’ve just been accepted into my school’s intimate apparel design specialization, and I dream of saving up for beautiful pieces. My boyfriend respects my career choice, but when it comes to us, he doesn’t really “get” lingerie and isn’t particularly turned on by it. While I love wearing things for myself, it breaks my heart a little that it can’t be something we can share. Any tips on getting your partner to enjoy lingerie?
I was recently asked this question on Tumblr and it really got me thinking. So often lingerie bloggers (myself included) go out of our way to assure people that lingerie is about ourselves, NOT our partners and that we personally can derive satisfaction from it. The truth is though, lingerie does play a part in the interactions within a couple, so it is definitely relevant to address the difficult question of how to deal with a partner who doesn’t show quite the interest you do in something that is so personal.
You can’t control what turns people on. But when you’re in a relationship, you hope you and your partner might be on the same page and sometimes lingerie is part of that equation.
I have to admit, I have some knowledge of this subject. When I first got together with my girlfriend, she had zero knowledge or interest in lingerie, openly expressing that she preferred me in a T-shirt and boxer shorts. 3 years later, she has officially announced that Fleur of England is her favorite lingerie brand, so it seems not only has she been converted, but she has excellent & expensive taste. How did we get here? Here are three pieces of that puzzle:
Honestly, if you want your partner to take an interest, it helps if you tell them. Lingerie sometimes has a weird aura around it, so if you want your partner to give you positive feedback or notice when you have something new, mention it! Straight up communication goes a long way.
Maybe ask him (or her) if there is anything in the realm of lingerie that does turn him on? He may not be very attune to the world of lingerie and hasn’t really thought about it. Or maybe there is some reason lingerie makes him feel uncomfortable? If you talk about it, you might even discover things you didn’t even know about each other, which is always interesting.
When I talked to my girlfriend about this subject she referenced a ‘tightrope between enjoying and objectifying’ as an explanation of why she was originally hesitant to express appreciation for lingerie. Lingerie can have a excessively sexually adventurous connotation that can make a partner who is unfamiliar hesitant to engage.
Given that I write this blog, it may be obvious that I talk about lingerie all the time. Basically, the more time you spend time with me, the more you are forced to hear about lingerie and bras and lace (somehow conversations always turn to this subject). What I do find though, is that enthusiasm is often contagious and as the people around you learn more about your passion, they start actually getting interested.
You can never convince other people to have the same tastes or interests as you– but some explanation of just why you find it so fascinating tends to get people listening, and sometimes agreeing!
At the end of the day, you might have to simply accept that lingerie is not something that you and your partner share. And that’s okay! Sometimes you just have to dance around in your underwear by yourself and realize that no one will truly understand you. You know what’s funny? I think that almost every lingerie blogger that I’ve talked to has a partner who is totally ambivalent to lingerie. It’s weird how that turns out, isn’t it?
Strangely enough, in some ways I think it’s better that way. As much as we all want affirmation from our partners (as they should give– and a listening ear), at the end of the day, it’s kind of nice to know that lingerie is your thing that no one is pressuring you into. Truthfully, my girlfriend probably still prefers me in a T-shirt and boxers.
What do you think? Have you had experience with this scenario?